2012. ramble.

It’s hard to believe that it has been three years since my first entry on this blog. One of the first ones I wrote about new years resolutions and how the upcoming year was going to be the best ever. I truly thought it was going to happen, I was ready for some good things to happen because  the last 5 years were pretty horrible and I was ready for a good year.

It wasn’t the best year ever… In fact, it was the beginning of a 2 and a half year long nightmare. I started dating this cocksucker of a guy who I would be on and off with up until this past June. I started partying with harder - and risker- substances. I was slowly but surely killing myself, and hurting everyone around me. 

I was an immature little prick who thought she had it all figured out…. clearly, based on many choices I continued to make over the past few years, I didn’t have shit figured out. 

I still don’t have it all figured out, but at least I’m not going to go around acting like I do. I’m not going to say that this is going to be the “best year ever”  because I have no fucking clue what the year will bring.

That being said, I think that this year is going to be better than the rest just because my mind is in the right place. I’ve taken on a different mentality. Things don’t seem to bother me as much, or for as long as they used to. I have already gotten into a better routine with taking care of myself. I don’t drink or do drugs, I generally eat pretty healthy, I cut back (a little) on smoking, and I’ve gotten into a much better sleeping habit….and I actually put more effort into my appearance before I leave the house. (for a while there I was sporting the disheveled twenty-something having a life crisis look- not a pretty sight.) Not to mention I finally got motivated enough to work on my veterinary assistant internship so I can be certified as a vet assistant. All these little things I do, these little improvements, all add up to a major change. 

I still need to work on the whole “comparing myself to others” routine, but as a friend of mine once said “you shouldn’t compare yourself to somebody on a different path than you.” While she has a point, it’s not easy to compare yourself to friends you grew up with that have a nice salary, a respectable job and don’t fucking live at home. 

But, whatever. For the first time in 8 years, I just feel awesome, regardless of the fact that I am not exactly where I want to be in life. It’s about time that I feel this great. A lot of it has to do with maturity, but a lot of it also has to do with the fact that I am making an effort to better my life and my well being. You can’t just do nothing and expect something to happen. It takes work to clean up a mess. Especially if that mess is your life. 

Things will happen when they’re meant to happen. As long as I keep a clear mind and a solid conscience, I’ll be alright… and that’s what matters. Like I said earlier, I may not be where I want to be right now, but I’ll get there…or wherever it is my path takes me. 

resolutions are for suckers.

i guess this year, imma sucker.

im kind of sick of the person i’ve become in the past five years…and i haven’t really seen any of my choices i’ve made better myself… so maybe its time to change a few things.

i’m gonna be less of a chainsmoking lush. take better care of myself. more optimistic. less dramatic (though honestly, i don’t think i’m too dramatic these days anyway, so that should be an easy one), go back to school (and fucking dont drop out this time) associate with better people, get a better job, and maybe, just maybe start calling people more…. 

whats the big deal about new years anyway? really. its just a day. nothing really changes, except the date. big deal.

i don’t know of a soul that would be like, alright, its the new year. everyone has a fresh new slate. i’m just gonna forget how they were in the past year, and expect something totally different.

say i kept these new years resolutions i just made. do they really matter? everyone is just going to see me for how i was. at least, thats how i feel about it… unless my change is so huge that they forget all about the old me.

i dunno. at this point, i feel like i am just rambling.

goodbye great (not-so-great) 2008, hello devine 2009.

this is going to be a great year.