So here I am worried about the possibility that I could get fired. 

why so worried do you ask? 

because before I left for my program, I signed a contract stating that I will not take any sick or vacation days for six months… (so that would be March) this is to prove that I am a reliable employee. 

she also asked a few other things of me, and I have done all of them - she even mentioned in some letter she wrote to me a few weeks ago that she sees a major improvement in my attitude and “ability to cope” (AKA I take her shit better)….

but I have been guilty of a few things, like being late for work - all the time. Nothing crazy, but always five or so minutes. I know it’s a terrible habit, but once somebody said somebody to me about it, I knocked that shit off.

So anyway, here lies the problem. I had super gnarly migranes this weekend. I spent all of yesterday in bed (my day off), and then woke up with one all over again. Vomit and all. 

So I called out….actually my dad did because I was too busy throwing up. 

I went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. I woke up feeling significantly better so I showed up to work. 

I saw at a glance some email my boss wrote to the other assistant manager and manager. My manager’s response to the email (I didn’t get to read the original mail my boss wrote) was ” I can’t reply to this right now, I’m watching Issac at the ballet right now” And the other asst. Manager wrote “Ali came in at 1:30”  So my worst case thought is they were talking about what to do about Ali calling in sick.

Now I am worrying about my job. Does that count as a sick day? 

this is ridiculous. I am trying to not think about it too much right now because I can’t control any of this. I just have to go into work tomorrow and hope for the best. Right?

I just feel shitty because this job is important to me. I don’t plan on keeping it for much longer, as I am super close to being a certified veterinary assistant, but I wanted to find another job first, and not just be thrown out without a job. If i get fired, I’ll have to just apply to any job that is hiring. I don’t want to find a shitty job just to hold me over until I find a job at a veterinary hospital. I also, for what its worth, really like my job. I like almost everyone in that company, and I am good at what I do. I’m comfortable with it. And, as an added bonus, they are flexible with my schedule so I can make my meetings. That will probably be the only job I’ll have that knows about my situation. 

Cross your fingers, toes, legs and arms for me. 

I can’t lose this. 

I am having a really fucking hard time since I got out of SH. 

I constantly feel like I have a hand around my throat. Constantly feel suffocated. 

I feel like I just can’t cope with the simplest things.

what have I become?