2012. ramble.

It’s hard to believe that it has been three years since my first entry on this blog. One of the first ones I wrote about new years resolutions and how the upcoming year was going to be the best ever. I truly thought it was going to happen, I was ready for some good things to happen because  the last 5 years were pretty horrible and I was ready for a good year.

It wasn’t the best year ever… In fact, it was the beginning of a 2 and a half year long nightmare. I started dating this cocksucker of a guy who I would be on and off with up until this past June. I started partying with harder - and risker- substances. I was slowly but surely killing myself, and hurting everyone around me. 

I was an immature little prick who thought she had it all figured out…. clearly, based on many choices I continued to make over the past few years, I didn’t have shit figured out. 

I still don’t have it all figured out, but at least I’m not going to go around acting like I do. I’m not going to say that this is going to be the “best year ever”  because I have no fucking clue what the year will bring.

That being said, I think that this year is going to be better than the rest just because my mind is in the right place. I’ve taken on a different mentality. Things don’t seem to bother me as much, or for as long as they used to. I have already gotten into a better routine with taking care of myself. I don’t drink or do drugs, I generally eat pretty healthy, I cut back (a little) on smoking, and I’ve gotten into a much better sleeping habit….and I actually put more effort into my appearance before I leave the house. (for a while there I was sporting the disheveled twenty-something having a life crisis look- not a pretty sight.) Not to mention I finally got motivated enough to work on my veterinary assistant internship so I can be certified as a vet assistant. All these little things I do, these little improvements, all add up to a major change. 

I still need to work on the whole “comparing myself to others” routine, but as a friend of mine once said “you shouldn’t compare yourself to somebody on a different path than you.” While she has a point, it’s not easy to compare yourself to friends you grew up with that have a nice salary, a respectable job and don’t fucking live at home. 

But, whatever. For the first time in 8 years, I just feel awesome, regardless of the fact that I am not exactly where I want to be in life. It’s about time that I feel this great. A lot of it has to do with maturity, but a lot of it also has to do with the fact that I am making an effort to better my life and my well being. You can’t just do nothing and expect something to happen. It takes work to clean up a mess. Especially if that mess is your life. 

Things will happen when they’re meant to happen. As long as I keep a clear mind and a solid conscience, I’ll be alright… and that’s what matters. Like I said earlier, I may not be where I want to be right now, but I’ll get there…or wherever it is my path takes me. 

So here I am worried about the possibility that I could get fired. 

why so worried do you ask? 

because before I left for my program, I signed a contract stating that I will not take any sick or vacation days for six months… (so that would be March) this is to prove that I am a reliable employee. 

she also asked a few other things of me, and I have done all of them - she even mentioned in some letter she wrote to me a few weeks ago that she sees a major improvement in my attitude and “ability to cope” (AKA I take her shit better)….

but I have been guilty of a few things, like being late for work - all the time. Nothing crazy, but always five or so minutes. I know it’s a terrible habit, but once somebody said somebody to me about it, I knocked that shit off.

So anyway, here lies the problem. I had super gnarly migranes this weekend. I spent all of yesterday in bed (my day off), and then woke up with one all over again. Vomit and all. 

So I called out….actually my dad did because I was too busy throwing up. 

I went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. I woke up feeling significantly better so I showed up to work. 

I saw at a glance some email my boss wrote to the other assistant manager and manager. My manager’s response to the email (I didn’t get to read the original mail my boss wrote) was ” I can’t reply to this right now, I’m watching Issac at the ballet right now” And the other asst. Manager wrote “Ali came in at 1:30”  So my worst case thought is they were talking about what to do about Ali calling in sick.

Now I am worrying about my job. Does that count as a sick day? 

this is ridiculous. I am trying to not think about it too much right now because I can’t control any of this. I just have to go into work tomorrow and hope for the best. Right?

I just feel shitty because this job is important to me. I don’t plan on keeping it for much longer, as I am super close to being a certified veterinary assistant, but I wanted to find another job first, and not just be thrown out without a job. If i get fired, I’ll have to just apply to any job that is hiring. I don’t want to find a shitty job just to hold me over until I find a job at a veterinary hospital. I also, for what its worth, really like my job. I like almost everyone in that company, and I am good at what I do. I’m comfortable with it. And, as an added bonus, they are flexible with my schedule so I can make my meetings. That will probably be the only job I’ll have that knows about my situation. 

Cross your fingers, toes, legs and arms for me. 

I can’t lose this. 

For the first time in God knows how long

I can actually say I am proud of myself and actually mean it. 

I am having a really fucking hard time since I got out of SH. 

I constantly feel like I have a hand around my throat. Constantly feel suffocated. 

I feel like I just can’t cope with the simplest things.

what have I become?

Somebody please

help me find a home for my rats. I have to find them a home ASAP. 

they come with their cage and their toys and food. 

I need to find them a home really soon.